A Standing Meeting

I was on a call. An important one. With a lot of people.

So was she, apparently.
Why is she screaming? Doesn’t she realize I’m in a meeting of my own? One where I need to pay attention, take notes, draft drafts of emails and so on.

“Rachel, you’re on mute.”
they drone in scattered unison
I unmute and apologize for the ruckus.
Everyone stating they can’t hear it, that it’s no problem.'

There’s a pause and I catch a clip of her rantings. The woman who won’t stop screaming. The one who has no regard for anyone else but herself in our shared office space. She is yelling at a subordinate, at a peer, at whoever… telling them how incompetent they are.
Yes, they got the project in, but they missed the mark. How many times did she have to tell them that the shade of red she wanted was maroon and not fire engine? Were they stupid?
Damn. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. In disbelief, I try to re-gather my composure and re-engage, but her volume creeps up and up and up.

I know I’m missing things on my end.
The kinds of things that get recited in a
1:1,
for a
“KPI review”
flagged in a
Touchpoint
written into a
PIP
with
HR
nodding in agreement.

My meeting is moving along swiftly. Agenda items being ticked off. Decks being run through. I’m catching next to nothing. She’s just so loud. 
She continues…
“People are saying that you are on your phone all the time and that you don’t work nearly as hard as everyone else. That look Jan gave you yesterday? Yeah, she does hate you.”…”And WHAT IS IT with you being 4 minutes late each day? You know when you need to be here. Just show up on time.!”

“Just do your job.
Do it well.
Stop being yourself.
Be someone better…”

In the meantime, on my end, the call wraps up; 
“Thank you everyone. I’ll follow this all up with an email.”
Fucking great. I got nothing at all. It’s all her fault. 
The calls end at the same time. Both hers and mine.

I sit with it all for a moment. Looking around, remembering I’m the only one in my office and ask

Why I hold that call with myself daily
Why the loudest voice in the room is always my own
&
Why that meeting never gets cancelled or rescheduled.