Before 4

I check the clock. 3:36pm. 

I do the math. 
By 4 or so I should be good. 
I lay down and turn on my favorite nostalgic cartoon and sigh. I don’t just sigh, I exhale fully. I know that it’s only a matter of time. 
4:15 isn’t the time that I will start to feel things. It’s the time that I will no longer remember to even look at the clock at all. 

I had already dumped them all out on my bed…around 3:30 or so. 

I need to fade and I rarely know why. Mostly though, it’s a feeling, not an event. It’s the wave of a feeling of just not wanting to be here anymore. 
No, I don’t want to die. That’s not it. At least not in these instances. 
Again, I just simply don’t want to be here anymore.

And so I stand up from the couch, and say out loud “OK, enough for the day” as I start to prepare for the night as if it were night time. It rarely is.  
I double check the locked doors, fill up my water bottle and close the bedroom door behind me. 
I grab “the big bottle” as I call it. 

I open it up and dump it on my bed… the circles, rectangles, squares and ovals. They all fit perfectly into a little crevice that I made with my hand. I separate the ones that I need from the ones that I like. I don’t need the ones I need. Not right now, at least. Not at 3:30.
I throw in some supplementals for an extra slide. The ones that are supposed to be taken daily just to keep me at bay. 

For the most part though, I take from the reserves. 
I count out how many I have in total first, I don’t want to sell myself short of next week’s ‘fade’ 
Sometimes I laugh as I pile them all up, separating tonight’s cocktail and knowing that I can handle what would normally put a horse to sleep. 
I add the accoutrements on top. The benadryls, melatonins, nyquils… you have your prescribed ‘calmers’ too; the ones that are supposed to be used twice daily. Those are tossed in as well. 

This habit. This hobby has caused quite a bit of damage in the past and yet, this seems to be the only option. What? You want me to go for a fucking walk? Drink green juice? Meditate? Fuck all the way off. 

I’m glad I filled up my water bottle. It’s a bitch when I forget and I have to enter the real world again, getting my cat’s hopes up that I am back to play. Not this time though. This time I took care of business. 
I get into the comfiest clothes I own and prepare everything perfectly. Socks near the bed, a hoodie just in case, the fan facing me perfectly and a snack on my nightstand. 

They all go down just fine. 

As of late, I’ve been telling ChatGPT just how much of everything I’ve taken to read just how scared it is for my wellbeing. I get a little thrill out of it. 

I check the time. 
3:36pm. 
Things will start to kick in around 4:00 and then it begins. The slide into nothing. Not remembering that there is even a clock to watch. 
The fade always comes and it never disappoints. 

Now all I have to do is remember to forget about tomorrow.