Collar Bones

They’re pretty in a sick way, no?

People compliment them like they’re something delicate, something worth having.
Truly, they’re an accomplishment showcasing the results of consistent and unrelenting restriction and rejection.
What’s left after the softness of self-care melts away

Tracing my fingers across my chest
back and forth
I search for them
as if they were ever lost in the first place

But knowing they’re there, where they always have been isn’t enough for me
no.
I need to feel the skin around them tighten as I exhale
They need to be visible from any angle and every mirror
I need to know that they are present and ready to be displayed at any time
ready and set to go

People tell me to be gentle with myself… and so I am
I gently close the fridge
and with great tenderness, I ignore the pain of hunger
I am so so soft with my words as I whisper … “no thank you, I’m not hungry”
and
I love myself desperately when I’m dizzy from standing up too fast
There, I’m being gentle.

It’s just that there’s one less thing to be sad about
To punish myself for
Berating my lack of self control

Control.

That’s what it’s all about, right? Control? That’s what everyone says, at least.
There is so little in this life that we have any control over.
so why not control how little we are in this life?

Five months ago, mine weren’t visible.
I was happy and forgot to forget
I gave myself the gift of letting myself “be” as I stand, as I am, as I exist.
that was a mistake.
There’s danger in letting yourself be happy
There are consequences
because now there’s a number

A number that makes suggestions without having to speak.

I saw that number with shame and rejection.
Starting once again to make abrupt and repeated decisions
Remembering the last time I felt anything, collar bones included

less and less…then nothing at all. I was fine.
I just stopped. All of it; and eventually, it worked.

The layers that blanketed and soothed harm melted
the numbers of my size shrunk
and the warmth of my feet on the scale were suddenly ever present once again

bones re-appeared
and
there were flat lines where curves used to be
It made me feel like nothing but look like something…
so I guess that’s something,
no?

and as the promises of a life worth having reappeared
I was reminded
that all I had was myself


and I didn’t even want that