It was a release and absolutely terrifying when I no longer wanted to kill myself. Not because I was low but because apathy replaced it. It’s too much to plan, too much to clean… i don’t want anyone coming into the shambles that have taken over my once mopped floor. The whole thing from the thoughts to the execution (npi) was simply exhausting. I barely have it in me to keep my eyes open.

It’s been weeks since I wrote this and I erased most of it. I kept the above paragraph as a reminder that no matter what I feel, I still matter. It’s also kind of cool because things changed since then. I care now. I don’t want to die. I am good enough to live. I don’t have to fight anymore. All I have to do is love myself as much as I can.

Little Rachel needs to believe that, too.
So I wrote her this…
(There’s also one for you at the end)


Hi my love. Little Rachel. My sweet girl.

I know, i know… its not ok, is it? You’ve failed? Talk to be about it. Tell me all the ways that youve failed and i wont say a thing. I wont nod or shake my head, i wont interject, or open my mouth. I wont shed a tear because you dont need that right now, and that’s ok. You need to be seen. You need someone with open eyes to not do anything. I hold you as i whisper “I love you, little one” into your ear. You don’t need to hear it, you need to feel it. People have told you so many times that ‘they have been there’ and i promise you thats not true. No one has felt what youve felt or been where youve been. You made it and I am so proud of you. You didn’t deserve it, though. Youre a child and so very special.

Cry, my love. “Letting it out” isn’t the answer and not why youre crying no…, not you. Just cry, the tears that run and open your mouth without making a sound.

Don’t want to eat? That’s ok.

Don’t want to read a text, or sleep? You don’t have to.

Now and for the rest of your beautiful life, you get to make decisions and choices. I trust you and it’s ok that you make mistakes. Everyone does. But listen to me, my darling, when people make mistakes, it’s not normal to be yelled at, hit, or pushed. I want you to know that you will never be ignored again.

I need you to stop hurting yourself. That’s the only thing in the whole wide world that I need from you. You’re too beautiful for blood and scars. You’re 7. Go play. I’ll watch, I promise.

Or do you want to rest? You have been through so much and deserve to do whatever you want. Close your eyes, I will fight the demons. Nobody will hurt you. Sleep.

What is it that you need, my darling? Anything. Tell me anything. Even if the answer… especially if the answer is ‘i don’t know’ … that’s enough for now. That’s enough for however you want it to be. 
Because right now you don’t want help. Not right now. No… what you need is to hear how much I love you. What you need even more is to believe it. That will take time, but I’ll keep saying it.

You don’t feel well? Let’s make it go away. Where is the pain? Inside or outside?

Nobody will ever laugh at you again. You didn’t do anything silly or wrong. You’re beautiful and you try so hard and I don’t want you to try anymore. Close your eyes for as long as you can.

I am so so proud of you. You did big girl things better than everyone else! You won’t ever have to do a big girl thing ever again. Go play.

You don’t need to be proud of yourself. I’ll hold it for you until you want it.

i won’t ask you how youre doing unless you need me to. I promise i will because i will see it in your face. I promise ill see it if it's there only because I know that look. The one where you smile and pause just long enough to remember the words. The right ones. Whatever they are. They’re not wrong. Even if you lie to them. That’s ok. You need to be ok and youre not here to make anyone else feel good. Those people are mean and theyre bullies. I know it. Tell me your secrets while we paint our nails. Go get your favorite board game. You can be the pretty girl, i’ll be the little house. OK?

I love you. did you know that? ok! Just making sure!

I’m angry too. I was called a liar, and stupid, too. We aren’t those things. You’re a little girl and you’re so so smart! Don’t worry about learning what the word ‘lazy’ is. That’s a mean word that people say when they feel bad about themselves.

Heres one thing i can tell you. You dont want to die, you just dont want to be here anymore. It hurts my heart to know that you feel like that. Children deserve to play. They deserve to smile. Every day is fun and light. I know it’s hard. When it gets so hard that you feel that way, tell me. We will get through it together. However you want. I just want you to stay. That’s all that you have to do right now. Stay here with me.

That lady is mean. You shouldn’t talk to her. When she says ‘I love you’ I know it’s confusing. You are doing such hard things and what makes me so so sad is that you will have to do more hard things. I’ll protect you as much as I can, and I will never ever leave.

In this moment, you are where you are and where you need to be. Stand in front of a mirror and look at your face. it’s so pretty! You don’t have to brush your hair until it hurts. Just be a child. Want to wear this dress? It’s so pretty with pink sparkles! Let’s have a dance party.

I know it hurts. I really do. Believe it or not, I used to be a lot like you. I used to live in this house and that mean lady was there also. I cried a lot, too. My grades were bad but it wasn’t my fault. It isn’t your fault either because sometimes…sometimes they don’t matter. There are so many scary things you have to go through each day. You don’t have to do your homework. Not tonight. When you want to, let me know and I will sit with you and we will come up with the answers together, ok?

I love you!

Big Rachel

OK now here is one for you. Please read it.

Dear whoever is reading this, 

I really hope that letter didn’t resonate with you. I hope your childhood was fun and safe and beautiful. That’s what you deserved. What we all deserved. That little boy/girl is still in there somewhere. You can talk to them whenever you want. You can color, play with toys, nap, and wear whatever you want. Know what else? You can also be angry. So so so mad. Let it all out whenever you want to. Keep that child with you and show them what love is supposed to be. There are two things you need to learn.

That you didn’t do anything wrong.
and
That you are so very loved.