The Blanket Chaos - unformed string of thoughts

ok so there are two things on the brain. One of them being that just occurred or reoccurred to me just now The childrens book. It is something that i am really looking forward to. I know what i want the concept to be and the audience but i havent quite gotten there yet with how i'm going to connect the dots. THe other that have truly been toiling over is my next piece. It's about my sister Shayna. I actually think that this is going to be one of the more difficult pieces that i write becuase while there is so much there, at the same time, there is NOTHING. The very little that is there contradicts itself moreso than any other piece about anyone (father, edele, etc.) this one is going to be HARD to write but the only thing.. the funny funniest thing is how i want it to start. I KNOW how i want it to start and every time i think of it i laugh to myself. I almost want to make a fb post about it. Honestly thats where this all started. i made a post taking a poll of what i should write next and the answer was 2. my sister shayna and why i hate her. I dont think i have the emotional energy to work on or think about the chidlrens book but i know i want it to be geared towards children who are in abusive households. Similar to my abuse (i know that there are a lot of different kinds and ideally i would gear it towards all of the abuse types but this is what i am going with) I have ideas of clouds with holes.. little monsters? blankets that are there sometiems, other times theyre not... what theyre made of is different depending on the day and who gives it to them. ooo i like that one.

I want the book to be so deep...so relatable that it might be difficult to actually reach the child because they are being abused so badly and or deeply or quietly that the parents would never buy it for them... the book wouldnt reach them.. .thats a hard reality but at the same time, that concept is what i am looking for. That is how relevant and hard i want that book to hit 

this blanket thing …theres something to it I think.. i really like it the mroe i think about it , the more possibillities... i think that might be it ... the blanket and all that comes with it.. who gives it to them the different type of people and sometimes they hand it off to one another. Sometimes they both give it to the child... what the blanket is made of. How sometimes the blanket is ripped from them and they beg for it back. Sometimees its lost entirely.. other times the blanket is super warm and comfy but they are still so scared it will be taken away that they cant fully enjoy it. They look at other blankets with longing... the others have the same blanket all the time... the child almost wishes that they had a terrible blanket all the time just so they know that there will be consistency. At least they know that THAT blanket wont be taken from them. They rip up their own blankets at times because the one that has no holes in it has no worth at all anyways. It can be made of wool, silk, cotton, sometimes it smells good. They hide under it at other times. When their blanket is particularly disgusting, other people make fun of it. For the most part though, when they are out in the world, they have at least a presentable blanket that was given to them just so the givers wouldn't get in trouble or be seen as being wrong. The size of the blanket also matters and represents somethng. As the child gets older, they realize that they can fill in the holes themselves, they can take parts form the old one and make a patch out of it just one patch that they carry with them to remind themselves that one day, it will be a whole blanket that they created all for themselves. 

I want to make a document - a comprehensive one maybe? including everything i wrote in its own way. A framework. I want that exact list to be somewhere in there. and i want to save it to my drive 

themes from what i experiencd in childhood... what they use the blankets for? Tissues to wipe tears, they use it as towels to clean up messes, sometimes they use it to play, a tent, something to hold, something to cover themselves with, sometimes they hide things under it, they hide themselves under it... they have also learned that no matter how big, small, tattered, worn the blanket is, that they can still give those pieces to someone that needs it more... the colors of the blanket can also be a thing. dont knwo how i would cover that one. Colors..hmmm. it needs to start with a theme or idea that there are only a few people in the world who are responsible for the blanket (abusers in this case obviously) and even though some people say that they can give them the blanket, they cant.. .other times, they will meet someone who actually does give them a blanket of their own (someone that loves them) but you dodn't trust that they wont take it away because most times, they do. What else here... there has to be more. 

ok, you want a full and soft blanket and maybe there is a way for you to get one. For other people to know that you need one. To tell them though, to tell them would be hard because the one you have out in the open, if you remember, is perfectly fine. Its not like the one you have or dont have when youre by yourself. There are only a couple of times that you tell other people about the reality... it's hard to believe and often dismissed. you try so hard to mend the holes yourself, fix them, sew them back together OH wait ... you learn how to sew - that represents how you learn to parent yourself or take care of yourself at a young age. How you have no choice because youre so fucking cold bc more often than not your blanket is wrong. Its either made of scratchy material, has gaping holes in it, taken and given, made fun of, sometimes you even take the blanket off yourself because youd rather it be gone than have it taken from you. I had something earlier with the patches... growing up, getting older and learning to make something from all of the pieces. I haven't forgotten about that. There is a lot there but for the sake of this book, i want to focus on the present. The child reading it might have hope but right now, their blanket is in the hands of everyone else.  Unfortunately the blanket is all they have right now. That can be a good thing though because it’s theirs no matter who has it or where it is. Its their blanket. They name the blanket maybe? A name… I dunno. Sometimes it gets lost. Other times people hide it and make you look for it. It isn’t always bad though… it isn’t . sometimes it is a good and happy thing and you lovei t.pepol play with it with you. Even the poele that rip it up and take it and gve it 

I REALLY want to emphasize the people who ive and take it… who make the blanket… who make the chocices about it etc. I’ll put them in later… this needs to be a theme. 

The blanket is all you k now… sometimes you figure out tricks to steal it. You neve r get to see their blankets (the abusers in this case), you don’t know wht their blankts look like but you only really think about that hen youre older. Rirhg now, its not a factor. 

Something there with why you deserve the one you got. Why you have it. That its your fault when its not comfy or ‘good’… and you believe it. 

Ok. Stop for now.