Un-Being

I chose my words wisely…

“It’s not that I want to die. It’s that I don’t want to be here anymore.”
Most of the time, when sadness drags its weight down onto me, I don’t feel like dying.

I feel like un-being.

Like wanting everything to stop without actually ending.

Just a break.
A long one.
Maybe forever.

It’s just that sometimes it’s all just too much to handle and I need to leave. I think that’s ok. I think that is understandable, for most of us, at least. 

There was one night I meant it, though. I had a plan. I had an intention.
I changed the password on my phone so no one could get in after it was all done. I haven’t changed it back. It makes me laugh in a way it probably shouldn’t.
I spoke in hypotheticals as she talked me through the process of it all. She was so calm.

And then she said it. 

“I would miss you.”